Surrendering

“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness” 

 

Faith & Grace:

If you asked me in January how I thought this year would play out it would have been drastically different than it has. I guess that’s the beauty in the storms, life is unpredictable. There are no guarantees even with the best of intentions. We often find ourselves in the middle of chaos, left with difficult decisions to make and 2 choices - lean in and surrender or fold and give up. Giving up has never been part of my vocabulary. I inherently only know how to lean in, press forward and keep going. Surrendering on the other had has been the greatest lesson I have taken away from this past year. You might be thinking surrender? From what? To what? What does that even mean? Stick with me.

For me it’s a process. For me it’s probably one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do. In the face of the ultimate betrayal by someone I trusted I was left standing in the ripple of destruction caused that I didn’t choose nor want. Most of my life I have found myself standing in the middle of a storm I didn't want to be part of from childhood trauma to pregnancy loss and birth trauma. TRAUMA. I’ve had more than my fair share but it’s ultimately shaped who I am today and for that I am grateful. Trauma was the gift when I stopped to look at it from a different perspective.

What I missed through the storms was seeing the faithfulness of God delivering me safely out of harms way. In the early months of 2023 I had a dream that shook me. At the time I had no idea just a few short months later had really been the warning of the betrayal I was about to face. Reflecting back on all that has happened since and the active choice to lean strongly into my faith, like nothing I have ever done before, is the only reason I am still standing and pulling myself out of the depths that swallowed me. Through a series of events, spiritually guided, I decided to lean into prayer and study as I navigated the deafening noise that was distracting me from keeping my feet on solid ground. I felt like I was unraveling and loosing site of what was most important, it was there the whole time, I just couldn’t see it. 

I purchased the book Surrendered and had no idea the journey it would take me on over the coming weeks to better understand God but also the wilderness season I was in. Have you ever been in a wilderness season? A space where you felt so defeated and lost? What I was able to finally find comfort in and make sense of was recognizing that God had delivered me from "Egypt" just as he had the Israelites during the time of Moses. While they spent 40 years in the wilderness and many never got to enter the promised land God prepared for them, there are endless lessons taught through this story that remain applicable today. Through out the study each week continues to peel back the layers God is trying to reveal to me. I am a work in progress every day, something I am not ashamed or embarrassed to admit. I am human just like you. Built beautifully imperfect and full of flaws. Sharing my trials and tribulations has opened the door to some of the most therapeutic interactions I have ever had. But this tribulation has really tested me and stretched my faith beyond what I thought was possible or I was a capable of. 

Asking for help, let alone accepting it, is not one of my strongest traits. In fact, I often do things on my own because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. Possibly even more honestly I don’t want to be let down. A distorted feeling deeply rooted in my childhood. A couple weeks ago I left the house to clear my head and regroup. I headed over to one of my favorite spots Cafe 10:31. As I sat on the large brown couch with my book trying to hide the tears from those around me I picked up my phone numerous times to text a dear friend hoping she would be around and free. Every time I picked up my phone I quickly put it back down never sending the text. I didn’t want to bother her - even though I knew I wouldn’t. It was deeper than that. It was accepting the fact that I needed help and she was the only person I wanted to talk to. It was her voice I wanted to hear the night I was betrayed. It was her strong faith and her own story of powerlessness that I wanted sitting beside me in that moment. I knew God put her in my life for a reason and on this day I needed her more than I knew. 

When I finally sent the text hours later she called me and immediately asked if I was ok. Barely able to get out the word “no” and I was on my way to see her. As I drove to her house the tears streaming down my face I was truly at what felt like rock bottom. I couldn’t even fathom things could get any harder than they already were. I felt like I was suffocating and the pain was so intense. I was angry. I was hurt. I was broken in ways I didn’t know were possible. The pain I felt ripped through my soul. Her warm and welcoming embrace followed by " I missed you my sweet friend " brought instant safety. As we settled into her family room with our cups of chai tea the flood gates opened. The pain poured out. A deep agonizing pain that almost makes you numb at the same time. It was then that she asked me what I thought of when I heard the word “bedrock”. Through my puffy eyes, sniffles and congestion with tears streaming down my face I laughed and said “The Flinstones?”  

She quickly got up and searched her book shelves. A recovered alcoholic she pulled out one of her favorite books, opened it to a specific page and asked me to read it out loud to her. I barely got through the first 2 sentences when I had to stop. The air taken out of my lungs barely able to breath as tears welled up in my eyes I could no longer see the words on the page. 

“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness” 

As I regrouped and continued reading this was the final few sentences she had highlighted. “We perceive that only through utter defeat are we able to take our first step toward liberation and strength. Our admissions of personal powerlessness finally turn out to be the firm bedrock upon which happy and purposeful lives may be built” 

Tears streaming down my face she took the book and read the same 3 paragraphs back to me but replacing certain words with the word “type A personality ~ control”. I had absolutely no control over the circumstances that were and had been happening to me over the better half of 6 months. I had no control over the betrayal, theft and lies that took place. I had no control over the lack of integrity and honesty in others. I had no control over the destruction it had caused in my life and the impact it had on my husband and kids. For the first time in my life since Savannah died I had absolutely no control. I could not breathe. 

It was in that moment I realized that what I needed to do most was surrender the need to be in control. I needed to recognize and accept that GOD is in control. This is all part of his plan, his timing and his purpose. Where lightness exists darkness can not and HE knew that and needed to protect me. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11) I was trapped in a stronghold of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of so much uncertainty, lack of clarity and direction. Fear of failure. 

Fear is a liar. Fear is a thief. I sat with this over the next week until I met with my pastor. I kept seeking God but felt like I couldn’t find him. My faith told me he was there “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) but ever which way I turned and tried to move forward I hit another road block. I didn’t believe he brought me this far for it all to fall apart but I was frustrated and even angry at times that he wasn't responding when I wanted him to. I was angry and frustrated that I couldn’t hear him. I just wanted clarity and direction. I wanted. 

What he wanted was for me to see what was right in front of me this whole time. He wanted me to see the gifts and blessings he had given me all along. He wanted me to appreciate those closest to me that HE put there. As I sat staring out the window of my bedroom at the sky watching the wind rustle the trees processing the conversation I had just had with my pastor it was in that moment the still small voice flooded my heart and I was overcome with peace. 

Family. Andrew, Logan, Adelin & Jax. It was there the whole time but I was too busy doing instead of being. The foundational pieces of the most beautiful gifts he had ever given me. Those gifts gave light to a new foundation made of bedrock and the direction we are headed.

So until next time I leave you with this thought to ponder:

• What is your foundation built on?

• Is it built on bedrock or is crumbling beneath you?

• Are you busy doing or being?

Feeling lost in your journey and looking to connect and change course? I would love to walk along side you and we discover your inner being together.

Click Apply  to take the next step and work with me 1:1!